The "Dewson SWAP" presentation was on the agenda of the quarterly meeting of the Associated Vine Growers du Bordeaux at the request of Mademoiselle Allania Dewson. Most members were wine-making families like Allania's. She was a seventh-generation grower going back to Captain Harrison Dewson's arrival from Dublin in the 1760s to buy the South West vineyard and the Chateau Plesque-Binot. They began making Merlot, like everybody in Bordeaux, which they kept calling claret until they got used to French names.About "people I met" of which all, most, some, a few or none may or may not know that other people I met may or may not read about their stories.
Wednesday, 25 March 2026
The Dewson SWAP
The "Dewson SWAP" presentation was on the agenda of the quarterly meeting of the Associated Vine Growers du Bordeaux at the request of Mademoiselle Allania Dewson. Most members were wine-making families like Allania's. She was a seventh-generation grower going back to Captain Harrison Dewson's arrival from Dublin in the 1760s to buy the South West vineyard and the Chateau Plesque-Binot. They began making Merlot, like everybody in Bordeaux, which they kept calling claret until they got used to French names.Wednesday, 18 March 2026
A Game Similar to Gin Rummy (but More So with Homefield Advantage)
This is Pia Kimh, as I met her the other day at the Toronto Airport, just off the plane returning from Kalimpong via Kolkata and Heathrow. The twenty-two-hour flight didn't do much to calm her rage; on the contrary, she was even more upset than when she left the Great Hall of Rishi Bankim Chandra.
But let me start at the beginning: a week ago, Pia and her three teammates traveled to the Southeast Asian Regional Mah Jongg Tournament, as winners of the North American Open Grand Prix of October last. The name of their team, as entered in the Open, was "My Husband is Pregnant" to show a sense of humor and as a social comment. They were magnificent; their technique, intuition, skills, and knowledge of statistics carried them through qualifiers and finals. They won diplomas, a modest cash prize, a horrific gilded trophy, and tickets for "the Big Show in Kalimpong". They went to "The Duke of Earl" for celebratory pints and googled Kalimpong.
Once arrived in North Bengal and checked into the Dream Palace Barsana, they went to the Great Hall, registered, attended the draw, signed the disclaimers, paid the fees, and received their badges. The team name was quite puzzling to the organizers, and they asked if there was any other name they could use. Pia told them they were also known as ”Horny Zombie Chicks”. The registrar said that she doesn't even know what that means, and after hearing Pia's explanations, during which she clutched her pearls tighter and tighter, she said in a low voice that "My Husband is Pregnant" will be on the official list.
Pia & Co. ruthlessly demolished the competition. There was a definite language barrier in the normal interaction among players during breaks, waiting for the next round. The Canadian Laowais didn't get even a nod or a smile as they all qualified for the knock-out round and the final placing first, third, fourth, and fifth in the individual rankings. They won, thus, the team title by a large margin. After the finals, before the award ceremony, the organizing committee called an emergency meeting to deal with a challenge filed by several local teams for contravening rule 2A (behaving in a manner ungracious and discourteous towards opponents). At the conference, Pia was told that some were offended by the flippant gender flipping in the team name. It was claimed that the wording caused discomfort, embarrassment, and mental distress, leading to an inability to focus on the game. The Canadians were accused of having acted deliberately, with forethought and malice, to create an unfair advantage. All individual team members are deducted sufficient points to forfeit the cash prizes, diplomas, and medals for bringing the tournament in disrepute.
Pia's team stormed out of the building in blind fury, picked up their bags, and drove to Bagdogra Airport, with the intention of getting roaring drunk waiting for their flight. Alas, the bar does not serve alcohol.
Thursday, 12 March 2026
Mary Mack-Black and her Most Diversified Storylines in Song'n'Dance
Mary, in her younger and more vulnerable days, had a friend: a little lamb, the fleece as white as snow. The circumstances in which said lamb was lost are not known, what is known is that the search for the young ovine consumed a legendary amount of time and resources. Later, when Mary grew into an astonishingly beautiful girl (the pride of her home town of Ipanema) she would walk, and she'd look straight, not at thee. She was dressed in black, silver buttons all down her back, high hose, tip to toes.
They painted the passports brown, the circus was in town. Mary she asked her mother for fifty cents to see the elephants jump the fence, they jumped so high that they (excuse me while I) kissed the sky and didn't come down until the 4th of July (or first of May, I never knew which and they didn't bother to say).Mary didn't read and didn't write but she did smoke her father's pipe and she broke her needle and couldn't saw and she combed her hair and broke the comb and she'd get a mighty whooping from momma when she came home from positively 4th Street where she was walking the dog (with Rufus Thomas). When Mother Mack came back with the muffins, she was be thinking on when they received the letter yesterday about the time the doorknob broke, that's when they learned about the calypso singers and the fishermen who hold flowers and little mermaids flow so nobody has to think too much about Desolation Row and pretty little maids all in a row to tell us how their gardens grow: with silver bells and cockle shells, all around the freshly planted trees of nectarines and cash machines yeah!
Wednesday, 4 March 2026
The Like(s) and the Not Like(s)
** John Murray, 1859, PRINTED BY W. CLOWES and SONS, STAMFORD STREET, and CHARING CROSS, London. 503 pages, One Diagram on pg. 117 (vide supra).
*** from the professors own field research (Indra Musik Club, St. Pauli, 4th August 2020, 2:00 AM - it was a Wednesday)
Wednesday, 25 February 2026
Leverkusen and the Kind and Romantic Grand Gesture
Yo, yo, everybody who has ever been to Leverkusen (Coat of Arms below) will agree that it is not much of anything. The city has a decent football club and is where Aspirin was first made, but otherwise, it is totally unremarkable. The prestigious German Crime Series, "Tatort" (first episode aired 1970, and still running today) never made "Tatort Leverkusen" (although they did neighboring Duisburg and Münster). So much bigger was everybody's surprise when Leverkusen became City of the Kind and Romantic Grand Gesture.
Thursday, 19 February 2026
Prisoners of the Paradigm
It was a literary luncheon that my agent insisted me to attend to increase my exposure for the highly anticipated second novel to be published soon. I was approached by a young man, who said that his name is Will Kale and he worked for The Wednesday Literary Credit Weekly. Could I, please, sit for a few questions? I accepted. He asked if I wanted coffee and how I take it. I tested him: "Like Winston Wolf." Will smiled broadly " 'lotsa cream, lotsa sugar' ." and added "The Wolf also said 'Oak is good'." I said "yes, that too" and sat down. Will came back with a cup of coffee and a cookie. I took a sip and raised my eyebrows, Will shrugged: "They ran out of sugar" and then asked: "When you plan your writing, do you start with the character or with the action?" I thought about it for a moment and then said: "Let me answer this with an example from my own family." "My grandmother, Rosa, died very young, she was just three when she passed. Each time I asked my grandfather about her, he would only say what beautiful hair Rosa had, that they met at the Mondberger Academy for Music in Clermont-Ferrand where she played the oboe and he played the xylophone and the saxophone and that they took long motorbike rides." Will asked: "How can she be your grandmother when she died when she was just three?" I cut him short: "Will, don't interrupt, just listen!" "But it doesn't make sense" he kept saying.
"You think time and space are linear, you think that where and when you are matters. Listen: only where and when you believe you are counts, ok? Timelines split frequently and the strands can break in any direction, some even double back so future events already happened and past events are still waiting to occur. Imagine a blue spiny sachidore with yellow wings in n-dimensions, you get it?" Will said that he don't get it. "Will, you don't get it because you're a prisoner of the paradigm, remember that things can happen before they start and continue after they ended, like when Kurt V. said 'unstuck' " Will looked puzzled for a moment and then asked: "So, then, for you is it the character or the action that comes first?" I replied that they are bundled, just like the sachidores, but even more so. Then I told him that I died on April 12th 1961, it was a Wednesday.
Tuesday, 10 February 2026
The Vivaldi Brothers (and the unresolved Issue of the Peni$)
Giovanni Battista Vivaldi ran a barber shop in the late sixteen hundreds Venice, he was also a talented amateur violinist. He had two sons and three daughters who, by a strange twist of genetics, all had flaming red hair and great talent for music. This story is about his sons: Antonio Lucio and Francesco Gaetano. The boys learned to play various instruments but also received advanced musical education: composition, counterpoint, harmony, orchestration and were actively composing music since they were teenagers. Antonio, a gregarious extrovert, easily made friends and enemies. Francesco was shy and spoke very little. Antonio managed to get a publisher to sell his music earning money and a growing recognition. His brother, who was also a barber, wrote mostly for woodwind, and had Antonio sign and sell his works for him. One of Francesco's oboe pieces, the Largo movement from his Concerto in C Major, was lifted by Ann Ronell in 1932 to become the jazz standard "Willow Weep for Me".
Saturday, 24 January 2026
The Composer as an Uncle
What I am about to tell you happened a long time ago in France. If you're preoccupied with how I know what I am about to tell you, you're asking the wrong question ... just try to focus on what I am about to tell you, ok? Here goes:
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| Jean Phillipe Rameau, 1760 |
Jean Phillipe Rameau (hereunder simply called Rameau) was born in Dijon into a family of musicians and, naturally, became a musician himself. He had brothers and sisters of which only one brother plays a (minor) role in what I am about to tell you.
Rameau had his first sexual experience after he turned twenty-four (which was about ten years later than the average age of the French males of his time) and was so deeply and utterly disgusted by the act that he remained celibate for the rest of his life.
While Rameau was busy composing operas and writing treaties on musical theory, his younger brother Jean Christophe Rameau, a prosperous rice merchant, married the charming young German soprano Amanda Chloe Sturz. They had a son whom they named Jean Francois. The boy just turned sixteen when his parents died in a house fire and Rameau, the ever avuncular, took him in to try to raise him into a useful member of society. Jean Francois was more interested in nice clothes, fine dining and women and less in making France great for Bourbon Louis #fourteen and #fifteen.
Rameau knew what the nephew was like, but being busy, he didn't do much about it. He was thinking and hoping that it was just a stage that the youngster would soon outgrow. Uncle and nephew shared the house, the habit of smoking tabaco and the pleasure of taking long baths in fragrant, soapy, hot water. One mild October evening in 1752, after a long and luxurious bath, the nephew went to the dining room for a snack and a smoke. He was wearing his uncle's bathrobe and his new wig when a masked intruder climbed through a window and stabbed Jean Francois in the neck. The blade severed the internal carotid and he bled out in four minutes. Monsieur Nicolas Rene Berryer, Lieutenant General of Paris Police, personally conducted a vigorous investigation. A large number of suspects were arrested and questioned but still, the case remained unsolved ... which is exactly what I said that I am about to tell you and now, I did. Pauvre neveu!
Tuesday, 11 November 2025
Fifty-Four (and counting)
A few days after his fifty-fourth wedding anniversary, he sat in the backyard with a book open in his lap and thought of all the things he'd learned
- There are things we know and things we don' t know; between them, there's the Doors.
- Never wear green on Wednesday
- Best day to go on a trip: Tuesday
- Best day to return from a trip: Thursday
- All his dogs are called Lola
- All his cats are called other names
- You regret more the things you didn't (do) than the things you did (do)
- Never put your bag on the floor
- Never put your hat on the bed
- Always use Arial
- Never use Arial
- Say as little as possible, mostly "Yes"
- It is not only Flight or Fight, there is also Freeze
- If you lose something, it is OK. You will never have to lose it again
- Always add more garlic
- If you don't like it, don't eat it, but if you must eat it, eat it
- Buy two of everything
- You did a whole lot better than they thought you would
- Old hearts break just like young hearts, but hurt less
- The past is truth, the future is lies
- What goes up must come down, spinning wheel go aroun'
- Look to the right and to the left, but also, o-c-c-c-casionally, look up
- Only remember ideas and sensations
- You can leave your hat on
- Yes, you can steal time
- There are clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here I am, stuck in the middle with you
- No! You cannot put everything back where you found it
- When you say "never," you probably mean "always".
- When you say "always," you probably mean "never."
- There is always something, as there was never nothing
- They invented time so that everything wouldn't happen at once
- Tried to trade in all tomorrows for a single yesterday ... it didn't go well
- It starts with love, and it ends in hate, and in between it is mostly fear
- There ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
- Boredom chews up your soul
- If they ask "how many?" just say "approximately six." and you'll be usually correct
- Don't be the canary in the minefield
- Don't be like the bull in the Chinese shop
- Don't be the escape goat
- When you know they know, deny, deny, deny, and run away
- No set density is safe
- No set density is dangerous
- Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead!
- Turns out that the love you take is equal to the love you make
- Fibonacci was right, but he was also an idiot
- There's nothing I'm wishing to be owning
- Always hold hands when you cross the road
- It was always me and Julio down by the schoolyard
- Don't ask "Are you breaking up with me?" They'll tell you when they are
- The romantic perception is the reflection of an erection
- Always pick the tallest, blondest
- Fixing past screw-ups in the future often screws it up more ... so just do your thing in the present
- If you think that the world in your head is the real world, you're in trouble
- And so, castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventualleee
Sunday, 21 September 2025
Errare Humanum Est ...
This ancient dialog holds true to this day. Read on, my friends, and think on it.
He/Him: It is three twenty nine.
She/Her: We said three o'clock.
He/Him: No, we said three thirty.
She/Her: We said three o'clock!
He/Him: Sorry, I made a mistake.
She/Her: You make many mistakes
He/Him: You don't understand, because you don't make mistakes.
She/Her: You are my biggest mistake.
Sunday, 18 May 2025
The Ringleader
The very pretty village of Lourmarin in Provence-Alpes-Côte d'Azur is about an hour south-east of Avignon. It has a sumptuous Renaissance castle which is booked for the glamorous and extravagant annual grand-fête of the Anonymous Association of Ornament Removal (AAOOR). That weekend, the number of Rolls-Royces, Bentleys and Maybachs parked locally rivals Monaco, Qatar or Knightsbridge in London. Originally, the local council was against hosting the world's most famous jewel thieves, but seeing how much money came in, they quickly changed their mind and welcomed them warmly. 
Extravagantly dressed people make their way to the castle's the ball room. A clever observer would notice that nobody wore jewelry, zero, not even wedding rings! How strangely bare the Balenciaga gowns of the ladies looked without their rings, bracelets and necklaces as did the gentlemen's Brioni, Dormeuil and William Westmancott suits sans their usual Audemars-Piguet, Vacheron Constantin or Rolex President Edition watches.
Jewel theft is an extremely lucrative business and these were its crème de la crème. The event was to award prizes for last year's individual haul with the dollar figures aggregated by Meyer & Herzberger LLC from Universal Insurance Agents yearly reports and could not be contested.
After the opulent dinner, the chairman went to the front with the envelopes for the three categories: Most Necklaces (Necklaceleader), Most Rings (Ringleader), Most Overall (Mostleader). Drumroll ... Ayelle B, won for Necklaces, then, unexpectedly, the Mostleader was announced which went to Virginia X. The audience was stirring and whispering when the chairman announced that this year the Ringleader diploma will not be awarded. Rumors were that whoever won broke the AAOOR conduct code by returning loot.
Earlier there was a disturbance at the gate when an veteran member was not all. He was shouting that he was the legitimate Ringleader and he gave back one ring by mistake. When he was later asked by reporters how he felt about being disqualified, he said that he can only compare it with having an arm and a leg chopped off.
Monday, 12 May 2025
How it really was and how it really happened

Monday, 14 April 2025
M. De Kuyper
Everyone can see De Kuyper if they know how and where to look. He is the keeper of memories and everything remembered. Very few know that people don't have memories and that they don't remember anything. What they get is just what De Kuyper gives, according to his unknowable rules and his impenetrable algorithm.
From my many long talks with him, I still have only a vague idea. I know that when you die, all your memories die with you—and then, in that moment only, you get to see everything (ALL).
I always argued that it was too late, and useless, and cruel—bitter, brutal, and callous, but De Kuyper just smiled crookedly and shrugged.
De Kuyper doesn't admit it, but he clearly favors the young over the old. The young get a lot of stuff fast. The old get more stuff from childhood and youth, but not "what they had for breakfast the other day" or "why am I in this room?" When he is too busy and he doesn't get around to everybody in time, he gives a lapsus that some people physically perceive as on the tip of their tongue.
I always thought he liked me, until one day he said he liked no one and hated no one. "You're all the same to me," he said, but he enjoys interacting with the few who could see him and talk to him.
One day I said something (I don't remember what) that upset him and made him sad. He clearly wanted to make up and offered, "C'mon, what do you want to see? August 1961?" When I said, "I don't care," he continued, "How about that goal you scored that put your team in the final?" "We lost the final. Don't remind me. I want to see ALL."
De Kuyper shook his head and told me that I will see it the day I die.
"But ALL is a lot of stuff. How long do I have to look at it?"
De Kuyper said, "You have an eternity."
I got angry, "And how long is an eternity?"
He looked straight at me, as if I should have known: "Eternity is sometimes as long as one second."
Wednesday, 2 April 2025
And that's how I got the Painting

See the overprint "5 NOUVEAU FRANCS" on the original 500 Francs bill
I was last in Paris in June 1962, and everybody remembers that horrible summer: cold, windy, and raining almost every day, I rented rooms on a small street off Rue des Écoles, with cobblestones glistening wet—so much so that one day I slipped and hurt my ankle, most painfully but a kind neighbor called an ambulance, and we drove to Salpêtrière on Boulevard de l’Hôpital, assuring me it was the best hospital in Paris—probably in all of France, upon entering the emergency room, I saw Geneviève, the chief nurse, a tall, handsome woman in her mid-forties with dark hair and light-blue eyes who examined me and said that nothing was broken, likely a sprain, and that Monsieur le Docteur would come soon—Dr. Planchette, as we continued a very pleasant conversation, alas often interrupted when she had to do head-nurse stuff, always smiling, saying all would be fine, she told me her family history: her husband, Jean-Jacques, a painter, was born in a house on Rue Malebranche in le cinquième, where they still lived with la grand-mère (82), maman (68), and their son Claude-Pierre (9), who studied violin and the house was big, pleasant with a beautiful wrought-iron gate and a large backyard with three old black walnut trees and where Jean-Jacques kept his studio in the shed and every year in late May, they picked green walnuts for the excellent jam that la grand-mère and maman made using only three ingredients: walnuts, calcium chloride, and sugar (a lot of sugar) and they boiled it down until it was thick and dark but the fruit still crunchy, they made 40–50 jars, carefully labeled with the year which they took, usually, in early July, to a stand they rented at Les Halles (still there then, until 1973) and the jam sold for 300 francs, upon seeing my face, Geneviève quickly added anciens francs—de Gaulle had stabilized the currency, introducing the franc nouveau, worth 100 old francs but people still spoke in anciens, so a jar went for three francs (about $1.35), just then, a tall, thin gentleman nearing sixty came to my gurney and introduced himself as Docteur Planchette and confirmed the sprain—entorse de la cheville, pas grave—then turned to the orderly holding a bucket with a chalky liquid from which he took soaked bandages to wrap my ankle, and sent the orderly for crutches, telling me to return in two weeks when he would remove the bandages.
Geneviève came by again and said I should come to their house for dinner as her husband picks her up with the car—proudly she added that it was a Citroën 2CV, she said that every Wednesday maman made cassoulet with haricots from Tarbes, l’Occitanie and she always made more than enough and Geneviève smiled as I accepted so I spent the next hour and a half reading day-old newspapers when, at seven, a tall, nice-looking guy—clearly Jean-Jacques—walked in, greeted everyone, kissed Geneviève who said something to him, so he came over smiling, shook my hand, and asked if I needed help to the car and when I asked if we could stop for flowers and a box of candy as a gift he said “Not a problem, I know just the spot” so, about half an hour later, we pushed open the heavy but splendid wrought-iron gate, once inside I met the two ladies and young boy, all very friendly, coming to kiss me on both cheeks (as it was the custom) and we were ushered into the dining room at the back of the house, with a view of the backyard through monumental French doors, the table was set, and light red wine was poured—even for young Claude-Pierre and maman, smiling proudly brought in, from the kitchen, a huge earthenware casserole (they also called it a toupin), which she set in the middle of the table and served us with a grand silver ladle: la grand-mère first, then me (as guest), then Jean-Jacques, Geneviève, Claude-Pierre, and finally herself, the cassoulet was superb—piping hot, dark brown, with chunks of shiny smoked duck, sausages, bacon, and white beans glistening like pearls and we dunked golden crusts of baguette in the thick sauce, a feast for all senses and for a long while the only sounds were the clinking spoons, the slurping, and satisfied chewing, when finally the meal was crowned by the celebrated green walnut confiture, served in beautiful porcelain dishes and we sat in deep contentment as the table was cleared and coffee appeared, so Claude-Pierre was sent for his violin to “entertain the guest”, he laid down a barely recognizable allegretto of a Mozart sonata, then beamed as we applauded and retired for bed—school tomorrow.
We continued conversing pleasantly while I looked at this handsomely painted landscape of a river bend with trees and houses and when Jean-Jacques saw me looking, he said it was the Seine, just outside Villeneuve-Saint-Georges and asked: “Are you interested in the piece?” and when I said that I was, he named his price, me blinking bewildered—then he laughed and said “anciens,” so I gave him the money and Geneviève brought brown packing paper and twine and made an elegant parcel upon which we moved to the complex choreography of taking leave—my praise for the meal, their appreciation, promises of future visits and they insisted I take a jar of jam—marked in blue ink, Mois de Mai 1961 and they phoned for a taxi, which arrived promptly with the meter already running—850 francs and the driver saying “anciens, tarif de nuit,” he proceeded maneuvering his Peugeot 403 through the empty past-midnight streets of Paris while smoking his pungent Gitanes Brune all the way to my place where I paid him and waved away the change—“c’est pour vous” so I huffed and puffed up the stairs on crutches to my room where I put the painting on the piano, leaning it against the wall and admired it and that's how I got the painting. Yes
Sunday, 16 March 2025
LaviniaB5
Wednesday, 1 January 2025
On Nature, Instincts, Aspirations and Incentives of Doings
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Friday, 29 November 2024
Of How the Roads lead North (or East)
Walking briskly, she caught up to me on that lovely early morning just outside Salamanca on the road to Zamora. I looked at her and thought I saw true Thracian traits*.
I had my backpack and she had a bag slung over one shoulder. I asked: "What's in the bag?" she smiled and said "Binoculars and jewels" so I asked: "And your name is Johanna, right?" She smiled and replied "No, I'm Kalina", that's when I knew she knew I knew. So, as confirmed hard-core Dylan fans, we walked on and talked about subjects of general interest: Chemistry, Physics, and, inevitably, Math. Eventually, we arrived at the controversial topic of the Nabla Operator and it quickly became apparent that we were on opposite sides of the dispute. Kalina firmly believed in the Arrosto-Zwiebelburg solution whereas I trusted the Jackson Lamb interpretation. We took turns quoting arguments that favored only our side, knowing fully well that we wouldn't change each other's minds. It was a friendly debate and we savored it. By this time the sun was quite high in the sky and we started looking for a suitable place for the midday break. We just passed Santiz and there was a huge black oak just at the fork in the road: ideal. I took from my backpack bread, some Manchego, and half a bottle of Rioja. Kalina contributed two great-looking apples. We had a very pleasant lunch. We were commenting on how, these days, so very few people embrace and enjoy our way of traveling per pedes apostolorum. Kalina was just saying she was planning to take the road to the right towards Zamora, I would continue left towards Miranda do Duoro to reach Santiago in a little over a week, when I wondered aloud if we would ever meet again. She said that it depends. "What does it depend on?" She replied, "I'll ask you a question. If you answered 'Yes' we'll meet one more time, if you said 'No' we'll meet twice more". We both laughed and rested a bit longer after which we packed up our stuff, said our goodbyes and went our ways waving at each other until out of sight.
Suddenly I remembered that Kalina never got around to asking me her question ... so I guess I'll never know!
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* The author uses the tr-tr-tr construction to create the impression of a trepidation movement (n. ed.)
Tuesday, 5 November 2024
One Takes Advice from Anywhere of Anything
This is Aina Rakotomanga, the sweetest kid you'll ever want to know. We met, went for coffee, and I asked her if she’d like to be featured in my blog. She said yes and shared her story with me. Her mom was pregnant when they came to Toronto from Madagascar and gave birth to Aina at Mount Sinai Hospital. They rented an apartment in St. Jamestown, where Aina's mom, Linah, cleaned and cooked for people.
I asked her what skill, talent, or quirky hobby she has that might make for an interesting blog entry, and her answer was intriguing: she can find a downtown public parking spot in under three minutes—every time. It’s uncanny! A TV producer, a sister of a friend, did a segment on Aina, taking her on the Channel 6 camera truck for a few days during peak hours. Following her instructions and directions, they found a public parking spot every time. It was nothing short of a miracle. When the segment aired, the TV station’s switchboard lit up as people called in for details, advice, and to ask for more drives.
Aina went on to create a booklet and a YouTube channel, both called Tips from Hips, and they were both huge successes.
Friday, 11 October 2024
On the Cessation of the Perpetual Toaster
His name was Curtis Loew, but everybody called him Rats. He was born in Famagusta to a local teenage prostitute and a captain in the Soviet Army. He was of medium height and slim build, with a round head and a pointed nose; his hair and sparse mustache were an undefined sandy color. He used to hang out with us at the coffee shop and tell stories of his many girlfriends, how much money he won at www.betterbets.com, and his various schemes (all of them unethical, some of them illegal). Rats was mostly ignored.
One day, he told us that he bought a toaster that stopped working after about two months. When he went back to the store, they told him that Walmart was happy to refund or exchange within thirty days with the original sales bill, but since it was past the date, he could call the 1-800 number on the product box for the one year manufacturer's warranty. There was nothing he could do, so he bought another toaster of the same make and model (on sale for $19.99). He got home, inserted two slices of bread into the new toaster, and another of his schemes suddenly coagulated in his devious mind. He put the old toaster in the new box, taped the sale bill to the box, and marked the calendar three weeks from the current date.
Three weeks later Rats went to customer service and said that the toaster stopped working. The agent checked the bill, looked into the box, and asked if he wanted another toaster or a cash refund. Rats took the money. In the next year and a half, due to the dubious quality of toasters made in that large, industrialized, far-away republic where most toasters come from these days Rats repeated the scheme three times: free toasters, yey! He looked to us for comments. Only George reacted: “They'll catch you, Rats, and they'll punish you bad.”
Rats stopped coming to the coffee shop—not that anybody missed him much. One day, George found a news item on the back pages of The Star and read it to us: “Police were called to 313 Duckworth to find the body of Curtis Loew, 48. The cause of death was determined to be strangulation. It appeared that the power cord of a cheap toaster was used as a weapon. Anybody with information is asked to contact 52 Division.” George said “Didn’t I tell you? They always catch the Rats.”













