Doug Boljahn and the Sweet and Dreamy Loss of Gain

This is Doug Boljahn. In high-school, he told me, he was a shy, not good with sports and was bullied. He wanted badly to hang out with the cool kids. In tenth grade he started reading Proust (because he thought that it will impress girls). He carried the book around showing it off (it worked and some girls were indeed dazzled). In his search of being original and different he started taking dance classes. Doug's business cards read "Dancer" and on the back there were two of his favorite questions/answers from Proust's Questionnaire (1890 version).

Q: Your favorite qualities in a man? A: Feminine charm

Q: Your favorite qualities in a woman? A: Manly virtues, and the union of friendship

At university he studied European Literature and wrote his thesis on Proust. He landed a teaching position at a private boys-only school in Toronto where he also organized dance classes. Doug has lung cancer from smoking a pack a day since he was thirteen and doesn't think he'll last till Bank Holiday. He said he loved his life as he found two things to be passionate about when most people just drift meekly toward nothingness and death. He acknowledged that it started of vanity and desperation but he was very pleased at how well it turned out. (Resigned of dying of a lung disease like Proust he calls it "Dancing with Marcel").

The Standard Solution

This is Frederick van Wagen (undated Daguerreotype), president-elect of the American Kennel Club. On a dreary February day in 1897, he walked into the boardroom on the fourth floor at 306 East 72nd Street with a confident smile on his face (inside he was torn up with doubt and premonition).

The director's meeting had a lengthy agenda but the only item that really mattered was "The Poodle Issue". Breeders were out of control and the Poodle, the most popular dog in the country, came now in sizes from less than ten inches and less than 20 pounds to more than fifteen inches and over 60 pounds and they all competed in the same category: preposterous! Proposal to establish two breeds: "Gross Poodle" and "Klein Poodle". A simple majority (five out of eight members) would carry. All in favor? Four hands went up, motion not agreed. They took a sip of coffee and Frederick made a passionate plea before they voted again. Again motion didn't carry tied at four. They took a break and Frederick worked the room promising favors, making concessions, and threatening retribution, then they voted again (and again and again) they were tied again (and again and again). In hopeless desperation they decided to adjourn when Karl-Maria Kaant stopped them and said: "How about Standard Poodle and Toy Poodle?" They looked at each other and voted: the room erupted in joy for eight "Aye". They congratulated Kaant asking "How on earth did you come up with this one?". "Lucky, I guess". Across the street, a big banner read "ACME Standard Toy Corp. of New York". They adjourned to the Crown and Anchor, the rest of the agenda: funds allocation, general improvements, and support for members, etc wasting under "Future New Business".

La Famme Sam

This is Samira Khogani (she now goes by Sam). In her native Pashto her name means Early Morning Fragrance or Is Good with Words or Entertaining Companion. We met downtown for tea (Sam doesn't drink coffee) she got Misty Mint, I got Early Gray and she told me her story: Sam comes from a very conservative family from the very conservative Panjwayi district and  many of her uncles and cousins (of which she has plenty) are close to Abdul Hakim Ishaqzai. At a family function, a while back, Samira was alone on the terrace with her cousin Taahir who asked her to lift her hijab a little so he could see her hair. Samira giggled and showed off a lock of raven-black. At another family reunion Taahir (by now with an important job with the group) told her a that he thinks of her while he masturbates. 

The next day Taahir received a message with an audio attachment where he could be heard saying that he thinks of Samira while masturbating and you could hear Samira giggle. 

The next day Samira was stopped on her way to the market by men in a black Suzuki Tactical who confiscated her mobile phone. 

The next day Taahir received another message with an audio attachment where he could be heard saying that he thinks of Samira while  masturbating and you could hear Samira giggle. 

The next day Taahir called and asked Samira what she wanted. She said she wanted a passport with a visa for Canada, an airplane ticket to Toronto and some money. 

The next day men in a black Suzuki Tactical came to Samira's house with a large envelope and took her to the Kabul Airport.

Sam now runs a successful downtown Kosher Dry Cleaner and is enrolled at the U of T in Sociology and Women and Gender Studies. She told me to use her real name, this the real Sam, yeah?!

Line Ninety-Four

Bus Line Ninety-Four goes from Ossington (twenty-seventh most used of seventy-five Toronto Transit Authority subway stops) to Castle Frank (twelfth least used) with an alternate ending at Wellesley (thirty-ninth most used). It spans 3.11 miles (exactly five kilometers). In a rational world Line Ninety-Four wouldn't exist, as connecting two down-town subway stations by a bus line is plainly ridiculous. The only reason for a Line Ninety-Four is that Mr. K. T. Fields (the illegitimate son of the Archbishop of Gaast) wants it. Fields is the omnipotent, mysterious master of the Secret Sudden Start and Stop Society (S-S-S-S-S); they start or stops things just because they can. They used to put things on top of other things but they stopped as they run out (of things) and they also thought it to be, frankly, a bit silly. Now, daily, about thirty nine thousand seven hundred people kiss their butt by buying tickets and listen to bizarre public service announcements.

Salèe Ekaterina de Tholsmski (AI Version)

The author of what you see below is ChatGPT, an Artificial Intelligence facility, that I instructed to rework my blog entry in a humorous, old-fashioned style. Inexplicably them changed it to a first-person account. I am happy to hear your thoughts after you compare our respective versions.

Greetings, it is I, Salèe, a fair maiden of yore who passed from this world some six hundred and ninety-three years ago.

In this tapestry, I am depicted handling trinkets above a chest, though it is unclear if I am adding to or taking from its contents. The esteemed "Groupe Saint-Pierre" claims I am putting in, while the renowned "Formation Précise" maintains that I am taking out. The debate has turned vicious, with each side accusing the other of falsehoods. The "Friends of Medieval Annals Society" grew tired of the bickering and stopped attending meetings altogether. That is when a group of post-PhD fellows and I took it upon ourselves to delve into the original documents to uncover the truth. And lo and behold, we discovered a statement of great wisdom and insight in one of my own dissertations: us Medievals, who predate Heisenberg by many a year, believed that two states may not be mutually exclusive, but can both be true alternatively or simultaneously, or even uncertain or indifferent. Upon presenting our findings, the warring factions joined forces to revile us with the most vulgar of language and even made suggestions of the most absurd and depraved acts. And so it goes, when all one wishes for is a bit of camaraderie. Salèe out.

Salèe Ekaterina de Tholsmski

This is Salèe, I never knew her as she died six hundred and ninety-three years before I was born.

In this tapestry, she is handling jewelry over an open chest but it is unclear (hence the controversy) if she is taking from or returning to the box. The powerful "Groupe Saint-Pierre" adamantly, vociferously insists that she puts in. Equally intensely, the influential "Formation Précise" holds and supports the view that she takes out. Unfortunately, the scientific debate has degenerated into a violent war of words, and accusations of fake facts. Members of the "Friends of Medieval Annals Society", disgusted by the spectacle, stopped coming to the meetings. That is when my group of post-PhD fellows went back to the original documents (some in Latin others in ancient Provençal) to get to the truth. In one of Salèe's own dissertations, we found a statement of amazing wisdom and unreal insight: the Medievals (predating Heisenberg by about six hundred years) posit that two states may not necessarily be exclusive, rather both can be true alternatively or simultaneously or even uncertain or indifferent. Presented with these conclusions the two warring factions in sudden alliance, abused us in most foul language (even suggesting absurd, unnatural, and depraved sexual acts). So much for everybody just getting along. Love you Salèe, you the best!

Sept Rue Saint-Catherine

This is 7 Rue Saint-Catherine in Avignon where I spent some time buying shoes. At one of the many long and pleasant dinners with my friends Stephanie et Julien, after the second desert, before the third Cognac, they told the story of how our street got its name. Apparently, on her way back from Vallon-Pont-d'Arc to Siena, city of her destiny, the (not yet Saint) Catherine was traveling under protection. Her protector was the warrior Archangel Michael who appeared at her side and said: "Ç'a va bien, Cat?" He could call her that as he watched her once brushing her teeth. She replied "Oui, et toi, Mitch?" She could call him that as they have known each other for a long time. They walked for a while and then she asked "Perhaps you know, Mitch, what time it may be?". He looked at her perfect face and at her long, slim, graceful limbs and replied "Perhaps, Cat, it may be time to buy a watch". Julien then added that, according to legend, this conversation happened just down the road from us, a place they call Place de l'Horloge.